The Unicorn Challenge.
A magical new weekly writing opportunity from her – Jenne Gray – and me.
Visit her blog every Friday to see the photo prompt, and post your amazing story in her comments section.
Or on your own blog, and stick the link down in her comments.
The rules are:
Maximum of 250 words.
Based on photo prompt.
That’s it.
To hear me read my story, just click here:
Father Figure
The girl, who’s maybe ten years old, slips into the cafe and sits at the table nearest the door.
She looks past me to where I can hear sounds of dishes being cleared.
After a few moments she lifts her hand, her face lighting up in a smile.
She is very pretty.
A figure in nylon overalls hustles past me towards her.
The outfit is shapeless and orange; the green panel on the back says ‘STAFF’ in white letters.
I see when she turns that she is probably the girl’s mother, with the same dark curls escaping from under the orange cap and the same stunning brown eyes.
She returns with a broom and sweeps briskly and efficiently, at which I lift my feet comically high.
The girl laughs, and I grin back at her.
When the woman asks if I’m finished with my tea, I mutter thanks, and she clears the dishes and the money.
‘I come here after school,’ the girl tells me, at which I half smile and nod.
Unperturbed at my lack of response, she launches into a long tale about her classes and after-school activities which only stops when her mother reappears and chastises her.
I smile more warmly now, and reassure her that her daughter is charming, which prompts her to recount her own tale of marriage, abandonment and general woe, ending with her contention that an impressionable girl needs fatherly advice.
I lean forward and address the child.
‘Trust no one,’ I say.
An unpleasant character that comes complete with a warning. Great storytelling CE.
Thanks, Keith. I see him as having your charm but with a dark side!
Deliciously disturbing.
A drip-feed of charm into which you manage to insinuate, imperceptably, a feeling of unease in me, so that I want to shout, ‘Take his advice!’ to the mother and daughter.
Brilliant.
Thanks, Jenne, he was an interesting character to construct while the two garrulous females just materialised around him.
After that it just fell into place!
No, I wouldn’t trust anyone either. Well, not until I was much older…
Laughing. I imagine you were quite a gal, Chris!
She would be smart to take his advice …. especially about him.
He’s really a sweetheart, Nancy!
Put us at the next table is all you did… damn!
Way to engage the Reader, with tiny little subtle choices such as:”… she launches into a long tale about her classes and after-school activities which only stops when her mother reappears and chastises her.”
This slightest of re-directed focus, at least to my mind’s efforts to deconstruct your story* allows a shift from one character to another (both being the object of attention by the protagonist)… or something.
Always try to figure out the ways a scene can be ‘expanded’ without an excessive investment of words.
fun
*the better to learn from
One of the things I like most about your comments, Clark, is your enthusiasm for learning. You pick up on a lot of little details (that I think go largely unnoticed by the average reader) which makes the writer very happy.
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Great advice I would presume!
I’d say so.
Oh I love this. I love it – his oh so charming voice, the irony of the ending. He’s a monster, and he knows it. Brilliant.
What a delightful comment, Margaret, very much appreciated.