Tunnel Vision – Friday Fictioneers

AnElephantCant believe it is time again
For the Friday Fictioneers
Each week he frets more
He quakes to the core
He is almost reduced to tears

But he knows that he can’t stop now
This has very quickly became a compulsion
He flaps like a bird
He counts every word
If he goes over does he face expulsion?

The idea is to write a very short story (circa 100 words) based on a picture prompt (below).
That’s it.

The Window by Lilies Lora Mitchell

The Window by Lilies Lora Mitchell

Heartbroken, she stared out at the traffic.

Ok, he had made his choice, now he would have to deal with the consequences.

She knew he had someone else.

Perhaps she had no evidence, but she knew.

Too many late nights, too few explanations.

And late again, tonight of all nights.

Her phone rang.

Languidly she pressed ‘Answer’.

‘Honey, sorry I’m late, pile up in the tunnel, no reception.

But great news, I’ve done it!

I know I’ve been secretive, wanted to surprise you on your birthday.

There in twenty.’

She squinted sadly at the empty bottles, Johnny Walker and sleeping tablets, and closed her eyes for the last time.

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70 Responses to Tunnel Vision – Friday Fictioneers

  1. Shreyank says:

    Oh sad !! 😦 yet beautifully written.. liked the concept of the story..


  2. dmmacilroy says:

    This is my favorite of your growing collection of stories. Very sad, very eloquent.




  3. petrujviljoen says:

    I actually cringed!


  4. I guess the surprise will be on him.


  5. Oh, how sad. I’m hoping he’ll get there in time…….


  6. billgncs says:

    the elephant’s contribution is fine
    we hope to see it time after time


  7. denmother says:

    Oooh. Reminds me of a Romeo and Juliet. Extremely well done.


  8. Lady Lovely says:

    Ooohhh….Very sad. Great story. I love this one.


  9. Sarah Ann says:

    It’s not allowed to end that way. It’s not the last time she closes her eyes, just the last time before she wakes up choking on charcoal wash-out. Very well written – feeling suitably miserable now.


  10. jwdwrites says:

    Poor girl! If only she talked about her fears – but then we wouldn’t have had the twist at the end, would we? Nicely done. 🙂


  11. yepiratehere says:

    Oh dear…but what clever word smithery…


  12. elappleby says:

    How sad – and a double twist at the end. Really enjoyed this one 🙂


  13. Joe Owens says:

    Oh, the last sentence twist strikes again. She was so sure he was up to no good, yet he was only trying to surprise her. How tragic!


  14. You have a lot of depth for so few words. If the relationship had gotten to this point then there were reasons for her action. Too bad she couldnt have just ended it instead of her life.
    Well done


  15. What a sad case of jumping to conclusions. Well done.


  16. Locomente says:

    Thats a beautiful and touchy story…
    So much said in so less words!


  17. nightlake says:

    she could have waited for sometime..if only she had more faith in him…well written:)


  18. pennycoho says:

    Talk about a twist! Just a story, of course (a very well written one) but if there were a moral it would be: sometimes a little more trust is a good thing! 🙂 Oh and Johnny Walker???


  19. deanabo says:

    This brought a lump to my throat. Such a painful story. You wrote the emotions really well.


  20. What a shame…for both of them! Well-done twist as already mentioned.



  21. emmylgant says:

    Great title to this piece with a disturbing ending. Very well constructed, no loose ends at all and a little life lesson thrown in for good measure. Bravo.


  22. JKBradley says:

    Maybe it was for the best. No? She had moved toward distrust of her own free will without confronting him and fighting for what she wanted, so perhaps she didn’t love him, or life. Sad, really.


  23. Sad surprise. But the story is well written for sure.


  24. kz says:

    what the…. no! >< what an awful ending. but a great story 🙂


  25. Iris says:

    This is darned inconvenient. You just want to go and shake her and put her in a cold shower.


  26. bulldog says:

    Oh no… anelephantcant.. how can you do that..??? Shame…


  27. julespaige says:

    Oh…this reminds me of a few resent CSI Valentine episodes. Quick to jump to conclusions. And then the chapter closes. Twists are always good.

    Thanks for your visit to Semi de ‘Lilium’.


  28. RL King says:

    I inhaled so sharply. Yay! I love a short story like that. Love it like mad. Wonderfully executed. Serious. In awe that you did that much w/a micro story.


    • Praise from you, R, is very special.
      Thank you.


      • RL King says:

        I truly have a passion for short and micro story. Oh I do hope you try more of these. It appears, you have another talent within your writing skills Brian.


        • AnElephant has now done around 5 or 6 of these.
          Reviews are mixed, of course!
          It is fun to try something different.
          But if you find any of them readable, then AnElephant is a happy heffelump.
          Thank you, R.


          • RL King says:

            Oh dear…I’m such a neglectful reader these days. If they are on your site I’ll investigate and find the others next time I’m on your site while on my computer. I’m so rarely on a computer these days. But I love short story enough I’ll search them up.


  29. What an awful twist. Great work. 🙂


  30. Now I has the ‘sads’…. good twist there Brian 🙂


  31. Marisa says:

    Powerful piece. Enjoyed this one


  32. Alastair says:

    Guess he has a surprise for her birthday too. Nice sad end to it.


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