Cramping My Style – Six Sentence Story

Artwork by Phil Burns

This challenge is produced by GirlieOnTheEdge with the following simple rules:
Write 6 Sentences. No more. No less.
Use the current week’s prompt word – EDGE

Click here to hear the author read his words:

Cramping My Style

I suffer, far too frequently, from excruciating nocturnal cramps, primarily in my Tibialis Anterior which is, as I fairly obviously know only thanks to Monsieur Google, the muscle that runs down the front of the lower limb, alongside the shin bone, and which information I share on the basis that if I have to do some sodding research then you lot can jolly well share the pain.

However, being an intelligent, educated, well-travelled gentleman, I have an array of remedies (including a MacBethian concoction comprising leg of eel, eye of olm and egg of ox) at my literal and metaphorical fingertips for these accursed afflictions.

If I’m at home, as I often am, and organised, a much less probable situation, I reach for my Warming Salve from Neal’s Yard Remedies of Covent Garden (with stimulating Ginger, Cayenne and Rosemary) complete with the helpful information ‘FOR EXTERNAL USE ONLY’, and rub it ferociously onto the knotted lumps until I fall again into blessed slumber, the unalleviated cramp being insufficiently agonising to counteract my exhaustion.

In the absence of the aforementioned balm, I use my considerable mental powers to neutralise the anguish, either applying an ancient Yoga technique of concentrating the mind on the area of discomfort and simply thinking it away, or alternatively just going all Zen, man, and allowing meditation, self-restraint and mental tranquillity to cure all the evils of the universe.

Both of these quasi-spiritual philosophies have much to commend them, but their efficacy in the early hours, when one is already balanced rather precariously on the edge of reason, is somewhat hindered by the invariably extremely pressing requirement to ease a very different issue, that of an ageing bladder, which supersedes any and all mere physical torments.

In brief, which I am and thus shall remain, while all of the above approaches have their good points and their drawbacks, I find that I more often than not resort to the most natural solution, which is to writhe, curse, and screech like a wee lassie.

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42 Responses to Cramping My Style – Six Sentence Story

  1. Liz H says:

    Nothing like a Charlie Horse int he middle of the night!
    So stretch that shin muscle and clamp down on your bladder. You’ll be ok in a few…

    Like

  2. “…simply thinking it away…” I laughed heartily at that one CE.
    A most awful thing – sleeping like the dead and bam! awakened by body parts rearranging themselves. Good times. Not!!!

    Like

  3. Instead of dealing with cramps I automatically thought about my joints.

    When thinking away the pain of my locking/numb finger joints doesn’t help then cursing/whining often makes me feel better.

    The aging bladder part made me laugh. I think it is a good quality when you can write about your pain and make it funny.

    Like

  4. My Sweetie has this problem on occasion. He stands up and flexes his leg, stretching the muscles, until they give up cramping. He then ups his doses of potassium and magnesium supplements, they seem to help.

    Like

  5. clark says:

    damn! talk about Comment bait!
    lol
    (don’t you love waking up to the sensation of your leg suddenly deciding it would rather have a right-angle joint between knee and foot?)

    … won’t resist. Have two remedies to offer.

    One is for more normal muscle cramps and it’s also the most amusing to describe (like Chris’s up above) and that is to pinch the fold of skin between upper lip and lower nostril. It actually works.
    The other (approach) is for that lower leg thing. Can’t quite describe it…. too bad, it really works!
    lol
    In my experience the common ‘walking it off’ is ineffective, but there seems to a positive effect that involves changing the geometry of the spine relative to the lower leg while standing still.

    Damn! Good thing you didn’t say this was a Six Sentence Comment post!

    Like

  6. UP says:

    your talent is evident. good job.

    Like

  7. Frank Hubeny says:

    It made me wonder if one could think away with mental tranquility an ageing bladder.

    Like

  8. Chris Hall says:

    At least your suffering wasn’t in vain – the punsters had a ball – and I too 🙂
    Top Tip: Try squeezing your big toe hard between thumb and forefinger (but make sure you’re sitting down first).

    Like

  9. People that go on about their pains are a pain in the ass – with the odd exception of course!

    Like

  10. Tom says:

    Where cramp’s concerned, CE, cursing works wonders… hopping around in a circle helps as well, although that can be quite dodgy in the dark.

    Like

  11. Spira says:

    You may want to tell your friend with the nocturnal cramps to check his Magnesium; deficiency can be a root cause.
    Otherwise, curse in big doses is known to relief some of the pain.

    Like

  12. Reena Saxena says:

    I guess we are attracted to ‘exotic’ remedies only on the edge of agony 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Can’t choose between ‘information I share on the basis that if I have to do some sodding research then you lot can jolly well share the pain’ and ‘a MacBethian concoction comprising leg of eel, eye of olm and egg of ox’ as your best bon mots this week. And I sympathise with your other wee problem.

    Like

  14. jenne49 says:

    Again the joy of playing with words.
    Such a fun story, but I agree with Cassa Bassa – how can reading someone’s pain be funny?
    Mind you. you’ve given me several things to try if I ever experience such pain. 😉
    Great story.

    Like

    • ceayr says:

      Other people’s pain is often hilarious, especially a friend’s, I think.
      But that might be more a boy’s thing, you ladies are too sweet and caring, hmm?

      Like

  15. Katrin "Kate" McElderry says:

    Clever and humourous!

    Like

  16. Cassa Bassa says:

    How can reading someone’s pain be funny.

    Liked by 1 person

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