Artwork by Phil Burns

This is a short play in two voices, co-written and performed by Jenne Gray and myself for Writers Block Radio Hour, broadcast on Super Sound Radio Scotland on Wednesday 2 June 2021.

WARNING:
Uniquely on this blog, it contains swearie-words, that’s bad language to non-Scots.

Click here to listen:

Phone Call

What do you mean?
What do you mean what do I mean? Weren’t you listening to me?
Of course I was listening! It’s just that I don’t always understand what you’re trying to say…
You never listen. Wait a minute, are you sitting in your room watching television there?
No!
You are, aren’t you, you’re watching bloody football, I bet.
No. Well, maybe a bit, yes.
You’re watching it a bit?
Well, I’ve got the sound switched off…
You’re watching it a bit with the sound switched off, so you’re just bloody watching it, aren’t you!
Well, it’s the semi-final…
And that’s more important than listening to me? More important than our relationship, more important than what I’ve been saying to you? Listen, moron, it’s your brother’s wedding, and if you don’t look the part of Best Man then we know who’ll get the blame, don’t we!
It’ll be fine, it’s all under control…
Your mother will blame me, as always. Nothing’s ever the fault of her helpless wee boy, is it, no, it’s the big bad bitch that he’s too scared to marry!
No, that’s not true, baby, she likes you, she was just saying the other day…
Likes me? Aye, she likes me like a Rottweiler likes a wee white bunny rabbit! She’s always dying to get her teeth into me! Scared I’ll take her baby away from her. But forget your bloody mother for a minute…
Oh thank god…
This wedding is a week on Saturday and you’ve done nothing yet. Best Man? You couldn’t organise a piss-up in… where is it – Copenhagen?
No, that fell through, we’re going to Prague.
Exactly! I rest my case! You’ve done nothing at all!
No, I’ve em… I’ve spent a lot of time working on my speech, it’s nearly finished. It’ll be great, honest, it’s really funny…
Okay, let’s hear it.
What, now? But, sweetheart…
I know, you’re not watching the match a bit now, are you? Read me your speech.
Well, I’ve not got it all written down, most of it’s still in my head…
Yeah well, there’s plenty of room in there. Read what you’ve got. Now.
But… okay… Ready?
Read it.
Okay… It was a dark and stormy night…
… …
Are you serious? Is that it? That’s supposed to be funny?
It is funny, it’s from Snoopy, y’see, he sits on his kennel…
Oh, god preserve us! You are worse than I thought, utterly bloody hopeless.
…
Aarrgh, say something, idiot, tu m’énerves!
Aw c’mon, sweetheart, don’t swear at me in French, you know I don’t like that. It’s not fair, you’re just making a fool of me and showing off…
I wasn’t swearing, dummy. I just said you make me bloody mad! And if I want to swear at you in French, then I will fucking swear at you in fucking French, okay?
Yeah, okay, okay. Look, I’m sorry, baby, I don’t mean to bug you. I know I haven’t been as much help as I could have been, but I’ve been spending time with Ron, he’s my wee brother, and he’s nervous. I mean, I’ve got to look after him, don’t I?
I know, I know, you’re a good guy really. I didn’t mean to shout at you, I know you do your best. I’m a bit stressed too, trying to make sure everything is perfect for next week. I don’t mind helping your mum, really, we get on fine most of the time. I just like to know you’re there for me when I need to talk, it’s important to know someone cares enough to listen to my worries too.
Hmm, what… ah… ah… Goal!