The Unicorn Challenge.
A magical new weekly writing opportunity from her – Jenne Gray – and me.
Visit her blog every Friday to see the photo prompt, and post your amazing story in her comments section.
Or on your own blog, and stick the link down in her comments.
The rules are:
Maximum of 250 words.
Based on photo prompt.
That’s it.
To hear me read my story, just click here:
Daddy
Oh Mummy, please stop squeezing me!
Yes, of course I’m glad to see you, but you’re making my face all wet with your kisses.
And yes, I’m happy to be home, but I was only away for the weekend.
Okay, a long weekend.
Yes, I had a good time with Daddy.
We went to the zoo, saw elephants and monkeys and penguins.
Oh, and snakes, they’re really cool!
We went out on the loch in a wee boat, saw lots of birds and swans and ducks.
And some deer on an island.
On the way there we went right out in the country, saw fields full of sheep and cows.
I tried to give a cow a biscuit, but it didn’t eat it.
We went to the Science Centre, it’s got those mirrors that make you a funny shape, all skinny or really fat!
And there’s a great park at Daddy’s new home, with swings and statues and everything, it’s lovely.
And he’s got a wee doggie called Cheeky, Daddy says he named it after me!
And Sarah says…
Daddy’s friend, she was there too.
Yes, she lives in Daddy’s new home too.
She’s really nice, and funny as well.
She laughs a lot.
And she makes me laugh a lot.
She even makes Daddy laugh a lot.
He didn’t use to laugh at all, did he, Mummy?
Mummy?
Aren’t you glad I’m back?
Why are you crying?
This is a wonderful way to tell this story. The voice is expertly created, and we can feel his/her childish excitement about all the adventures, in glorious detail, with Daddy, and slowly the missing bits are revealed. Mummy’s absent voice says so much. Brilliant story.
You are very kind, Margaret, much appreciated.
I imagined the torrent of excited words from the child slowly exposing the difference between Mummy’s lonely pain and Daddy’s new-found happiness.
Wow, C.E., this one is great. You did “the voice” perfectly!
I like ‘Wow’, Rosemary!
Poor kid. Poor Mummy. A unhappy situation all around.
Enchanting wee voice.
Nicely done, CE.
But Daddy’s happy, and that’s what hurts…
Thanks, Nancy
damn!
(very real child POV. loved the lack of tags and quotes and such… not possible unless the Reader is totally pulled into the story from the start.)
“Oh Mummy, please stop squeezing me!”
(quotes mine, of course but there it is, the gate and the ticket and transport all in six words and a exclamation mark.*)
*also known as ‘Grammar’s pogo stick’
damn!
Glad it worked so well for you, Clark*
*As indicated by your opening ‘damn!’!
A stab in the heart, the child wasn’t to know. A touching tale indeed, C.E.
Cheers, Keith. Maybe she imagined (hoped?) that Daddy was just as lonely and miserable as she is.
A masterful portrayal of the mind of a child through the child’s voice.
And of the use of one side of a conversation to show so vividly how the ‘silent’ person is reacting.
I’m hurting for both of them now.
How is a child meant to understand adult feelings without refering them back to himself?
‘Aren’t you glad I’m back?
Just brilliant.
Thanks, Jenne, sometimes the truth is the most painful hurt of all.
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Ooof right in the feels, poor fella didn’t realise though. Great story.
Yes, the realisation that Daddy had moved on and was happy…
I see the little boy didn’t understand about Daddy’s friend living there too. He had no idea his words were hurting his mommy.
Indeed, Tessa